Confession: I don’t like children

This is a tough one for me to admit, because as a mother, you would expect me to like children.

Not so… They carry germs, they said weird stuff, and they are generally unpleasant creatures. I want to stay far away. I think my OCD peaks in areas with children.

However, my children are the cutest little people on the planet and only adorable brilliance comes from them, of course. I’m not inhuman…

Other people’s kids are another story.

I just don’t find other people’s children appealing. When a snotty nosed child runs over to me I want to take a few steps backward. I see those people who can play with all children like their equal, but to me that is not true (yes, I’m going to hell)….

I am also not a baby person. Not even my own babies. I love them, but some people revel in that time. I think, “hurry up and get bigger so we can play!”

Everyone thinks I am the nanny at the park, and they seem to direct their children to me…. like I’m going to play with everyone’s kids since they think it is my line of work. Oh man, little do they know the last thing I want to do is socialize with their little snot-heads.

What really bugs me, is how poorly nannies get treated in settings like the park. There is some sort of strange caste system, and nannies are at the bottom. I would never assume that some other child’s nanny is going to watch my children at the park. That is so rude.

And when the rude parents send their children my way I’m not really sure what to do. The poor kid didn’t do anything wrong. It isn’t their fault their parents are dunderheads, or that I don’t like children.

I’m not sure what my problem is. I’ve noticed I tend to like children of mothers that I’m related to, I’m friends with, or we share the same parenting philosophies.

So, maybe the reason that I don’t like random children is because they have parents and there is no reason for me to be stepping in and socializing with them- (“you have a mommy, and I don’t like her, so go away.”)…(I would make an awful teacher!) Like the people at the church we went to by our old house (sorry to bash you again, church)- they have totally different parenting styles and I think were offended by mine. Those kids gave me the willies.

There is the exception to every rule- and if i gush about your child, please believe me. I avoid most kids like the plague.

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VARIETY OF ADOPTIVE PARENTS

Here is my (completely unPC) categorization of international adoptive parents (potential adoptive parents, take note):

  • The person who thinks she is “saving” the child
  • The trendsetter (adopting because it is the “in” thing)
  • The hippie
  • The white woman who thinks she is a long oppressed minority and must educated the dumb white masses (watch out for these ones)
  • the older couple on their second round of kiddos (stick with these people)
  • The infertile couple (sad set of circumstances, but some of the best outcomes and adoption stories)
  • The church couple (I say this like I’m not one, but you’ll get what I mean)
  • the anti-religious (more like anti-christian)…. (ugh, those people are testy if you say (GASP!) God…. and P.S. I don’t believe in the Boogie Man, but if you want to you can use his name all you want and I won’t be offended…. so, I don’t get what their problem is…)
  • The person who will bite your head off if you say almost anything. for instance, “Is he yours” …offended. “Did you adopt?” offended. “I think we may want another” offended (yes, “another” is inappropriate in the adoption world, apparently)

as a Christian, hippie, kind of infertile (thank you vasectomy) couple- I think we encompass a lot of what I just listed, so we are definitely admitted to the weirdo club.

Things I Wish My Mama Told Me

Here is the list. It isn’t pretty….

  1.  Morning sickness is definitely not just in the morning, and can last for the entire pregnancy
  2. After giving birth you go into a mini menopause- hot flashes and night sweats, oh don’t forget your hair falls out
  3. If you try to sleep without a bra and breast pads when you’re lactating… the outcome won’t be pretty
  4. Babies look like aliens when they’re born (I knew this, but it is different when you see your own alien for the first time)
  5. Your baby may scream for the entire duration of a car ride, and no, they never get used to it.
  6.  Baby boys get erections (that was a scary discovery)
  7. Look for whiskers. Yeah, those lovely hormones start giving you one random coarse hair on your chin. The good news? It is so sporadic, after it is plucked you may not see it for another six months. The bad news? It is so sporadic, if you aren’t constantly looking for it you may have a 10 foot long hair by the time you catch it.
  8. Your bikini area isn’t the only place in that region that grows hair. I learned this when I got my first Brazilian wax at 16, but I wish my mom would have given me a warning that your (for lack of a better term) butt-hole area has hair, too. I went home and called my 30-year-old sister ( and mother of three at the time) who also had no idea there is hair in that area. Don’t believe me? Go take a pocket mirror and squat, it won’t be pretty.
  9. If you drink as much coffee as I do, you will have a panic attack- so don’t try it.
  10. You will never grow out of Disneyland